Clearing The Slate

  Starting again is something everyone likes to do sometimes. I know I like a fresh start every now and again. A fresh start can be a change of e-mail address, a new phone number, a house move or emigration. Sometimes a new start is the end of a relationship or the beginning of a new one or perhaps a new job. Fresh starts are the chance to clear the slate and start anew. I like to think of them as giving ourselves a second chance to correct past mistakes and improve on our futures.

 

  Four years ago I ended a relationship with a steady and dependable man in favour of a less steady and dependable life. I didn’t like the way my life was going and I didn’t think that the relationship suited me very well, so off I wandered into pastures new. I really didn’t have the first idea about what was to befall me in these new pastures. I have endured 4 years of tumultuous emotions which only seem to have truly settled in recent weeks. I developed coping mechanisms borne out of negative happenings and as a result the years which followed my break up have not gone according to plan, looking back I don’t really know how I managed to have any sort of life at all. I have gotten far too used to anticipating the worst in myself, others and situations. I have spent the best part of 4 years devoid of hope and optimism, haunted by the ghosts of the past and unable to see the lights illuminating the paths of the present.

 

  Everything reached a sudden and dramatic halt on December 30^th when I found myself feeling like I couldn’t take another minute. I made the decision to go to the hospital and visit the mental health crisis team; I firmly believe that this service saved my life. Had I not had them to go to I really don’t know what would have happened. I appreciate that this is a strong statement and may alarm some people who care for me but I urge you not to be upset. I fully acknowledge that it is hard to stomach and causes upset but if people with my problems don’t come forward and talk about them then you can guarantee that someone, somewhere else will pay for our silence and I can’t have that so I have decided to be vocal about my depression and the impact it has had on me.

 

  So there I was; feeling like I was going slightly mad in floods of tears in a busy NHS waiting room the night before New Year’s Eve 2013. I was prescribed some medication which I take every day and I have also been completing an online Cognitive Behavioural Therapy course (CBT). This new fangled CBT has been making more of a difference to my thought patterns than I ever believed possible and its results are visible to everyone. I seem to have broken out of my negative cycle and I am now able to talk to others rather than shy away, I like being in social situations rather than sitting there praying for them to be over and the anxiety which plagued me has begun to ebb away into a state of nothingness leaving a rainbow glowing in colour in its wake. I didn’t believe a state of mind like this was a long term possibility for me and it is a bigger relief than anyone could ever imagine. I’ve discovered support in people new to my life and support in those who are long term fixtures but live far away. I’ve found support in myself and a belief that I can sustain my new frame of mind for an extended period of time beyond the foreseeable future. It’s just a bloody miracle and I’m grateful for it every day.

 

  I’ve got good people around me and a good life ahead of me. I’m learning to live in the moment and worry less about the past and the future. It is now apparent to me that the past has been and gone and the effect it had and was echoed through my thinking has lost its power and control over the present day me. In the simplest of terms… I have cleared the slate and moved on, both mentally and physically. The demons of the past have moved aside and let the magical entities of the present and the future guide the way forward through the miracle of life.

Jam buttie vs Victoria Sponge - It's the little things that count.

 I have found that in life we often spend a lot of time making time for the big things as we focus on holidays, promotions, new cars and so on and so forth whilst the little things fall aside in significance. It has come to my attention that this is not a good idea because the little things are in actual fact the bread and butter of our lives. The little things get us through whilst we wait for the big things to make their cumbersome way around the corer. The little things are the sprightly moments which make up our days and I don’t think that we pay them enough attention.

  Case in point: mugs. I don’t know about you but I drink a fair amount of tea and coffee. I like to have a couple of nice mugs so that this very regular experience is never a sub standard one. Tea or coffee drunk out of a nice mug makes this every day particular somewhat better and upgrades the level of the experience. The same can be said for meal times; why have a substandard meal when the inclusion of Dill on your eggs can improve it and make you feel like you’ve had a little treat?

  I came to this conclusion a few years ago when I was overcoming the effects of a very unpleasant depressive episode. I had been in crisis mode for a little while and I had stopped enjoying anything and was living mostly on toast and wine. It wasn’t great really and nothing had much joy in it. As the depressive episode eased away and I started to eat properly again, I developed a great amount of interest in cooking and using food to get myself back to good health. It was while I was doing this that I became aware of my enjoyment in making a cup of tea, using nice bath time products and ironing my clothes for work. While I was undertaking my on stage role in my depressive episode I had forgotten that actual living exists, I had simply been existing and doing the absolute minimum to get me through each day. I started to return to some semblance of normality and I began to enjoy myself, daily life didn’t feel like a monotonous road to nowhere anymore. I realised that I liked doing the food shopping, I liked running out for a pint of milk, I liked waiting for a bus, and I enjoyed opening the curtains in the morning and then closing them at night. This curtain ritual meant the start and end of days I was not desperate to be over, I could actually find them pleasant and this was a new feeling to me. Life was normal and for the first time in my life I was content with living a normal, every day life. I was going to university and I had my part time weekend job, for a time things were very steady and I had a nice and regular flow to my life.

  I have made it clear that I have depression and sometimes ‘episodes’ occur and it all becomes quite dramatic until it becomes intolerable and I have to do something about it. I have found that living for the little things helps to keep these episodes at bay. I spend my time looking forward to the things I know will happen and I can count on them. Big things will come along as they always do and when they come along they are lovely, but life is not a Victoria Sponge. Life is bread and butter and the little things are the jam which makes the whole thing that little bit sweeter. I think we should all aim to have lovely jam so that when the Victoria Sponge has been eaten and only the crumbs are left we still have our jam buttie to fall back on for comfort until the next big cake makes its way around the corner.