We See The Light Surrounding You

  I have had depression for the majority of my formative years and it has been a constant visitor over the last four and a half. Four and a half years ago I would never have dreamed of standing up and saying 'my name is Helen Edwards and I have depression, anxiety disorders, OCD and SAD.' I'll send everyone running for the hills I would have thought. I sometimes think of myself as a Pic'n'Mix stand for those looking for a mental health issue. You want it... I've got it. Sometimes I'm out of stock but the delivery man generally comes around again and I'll have whatever you need in store at some point, you just have to choose the right moment.

 I make light of it but it's not easy is this business of living with a faulty head. Sometimes it feels like such an uphill struggle that I just don't get up, don't go out and don't communicate, but, and there is always a but... It's really not the way to deal with it. These 'coping behaviours' are actually very destructive and they cause more harm than they cause good. I've done them myself and I've seen them in lots of people I know you see, so I do know what I'm talking about. I also know how hard it is to break them and go down the healthy road, so very difficult when my bed is such a warm and comforting place to be and there are monsters everywhere else.

  I had myself a little breakdown last Christmas. It wasn't my first and it may not be my last but I sure do remember how it felt. Awful. Absolutely... Awful. It was soul destroying, mind crunchingly awful and if it was an ankle that had fallen out of a tree and got broken then you'd expect a lengthy recovery period. No one would say, 'ahhh slap a smile on that ankle.' There would be no slapping of ankles and there will be no slapping of minds thank you very much. It doesn't work like that, matters of the head do not manage to realign themselves with a plaster cast and some heavy pain killers. 

  Now depression isn't all bad because as a depressed person... (there I go again with the 'd' word) I have been rather fortunate because I have done something magical and turned into a magnet. I seem to be programmed to gravitate towards those with other mental  health difficulties so it's given me quite an interesting perspective; I am both the depressed person inside of the window and also the devastated person looking in and wondering how on earth I can pull this lovely individual outside back into the world again. I have friends with all sorts of problems. We range from anxious to insomniac to bi polar to clinically depressed and we all share our stories sometimes. The one commonality is that none of us realize how fabulous we are when these moods take over us, yet everyone else is quite perplexed. 'But she's just so beautiful. Why can't she see it?' Or 'he's an exceptional young man and he has no idea.' We really don't have any idea about any of the good stuff when depression takes hold because all we can see are the negatives around us. It's like living in a beautiful palace and only being able to see the mark on the window. Try as you might, you just can't see anything else. 

  I know that many people I think the world of can only see this mark. They're oblivious to everything else and it's not their fault but they're some of the most intelligent, funny, feeling, beautiful people I've had the delight to find. This world we occupy is a bloody hard place to live in sometimes but I've decided to carry the flag and wave it around as high as my 5ft2 self can wave it for Mental Health. I'm not ashamed, I'm not proud, I'm not standing in a rainbow declaring it to be the best way of life, I'm just moving along and hoping that I'm not making a total hash of absolutely everything. So here goes... My name is Helen Edwards and I am genetically predisposed to depression, anxiety, SAD and OCD... But I also have fabulous long, blonde hair and I'm quite funny when I want to be. Now then, how about you?