The Lemonade I've Made

  I began writing this blog from a nicely sized apartment in Seville around two and a half years ago, I’d just moved there and I was very much getting to grips with the cultural change and stresses and strains of my first full time, proper teaching job. At the time I was quite unbeknownst to myself really struggling and on the brink of a breakdown that would leave me exhausted for months to come. I remember posting an entry during that time about being unable to find love and acceptance and it made my mother feel very distressed. It really is no wonder that I struggled to find love and acceptance, I have come to believe that this is because I used to spend all of my time focussing on butterfly-feeling-invoking whirlwind romances that were great for a sum total of five minutes and would then end abruptly and leave me wondering what I had done wrong this time… there were many times. I recently described myself to a friend as ‘the worst fisherman ever’ when recounting my days spent at the side of murky waters hoping to catch an honest and reliable man. The truth is that I’m not really sure what I was looking for during those days of semi-permanent depression and loneliness. I watched my sister get married and begin her new life whilst I just ate saturated fat from Burger King and gained weight, I saw a beautiful cousin turn 18 and get even more beautiful overnight while I went to the local shop for yet another tub of Ben & Jerry’s. I noted with grim pride that another cousin was turning 21 and appeared to have 2 cars and enough money for a mortgage deposit whilst I spent most of my cash on large gin and tonics and would only take up work which was abroad and therefore temporary and not to be relied upon. I was making some dastardly decisions.

  Whilst making dastardly decisions and subsequently making myself thoroughly miserable; one day the idea came to me that I should perhaps change things and make my life a bit more permanent and less chaotic. It was after being thrown to the side of the road in July 2015, by another of my whirlwind romances, that I decided enough was enough and it was time to start taking myself seriously and so it was on that day that I opted to give myself a fighting chance of lasting happiness. I came home from Seville and moved back in with my parents (joyous for all concerned for a few minutes) and started looking for teaching jobs in Liverpool and it was to my delight that I got one. I also went to stand by the side of the murky waters again and gazed back into the Plenty of Fish pond, but it must have been a different pond because it didn’t look so gloomy or hopeless this time – in actual fact it was clear and turned out to be a fruitful exercise. Exercise too, I started doing more of it and getting up earlier as well as going to bed earlier. I knocked the saturated fat on the head and stopped thinking of myself as ‘poor me’, who had no control over her own life, and started thinking of myself as capable and realised how willing I was to make changes.

 Next we come to the changes, the changes I made have changed my life. That’s right you heard me, ME, I, MY. I made the changes to MY outlook, I had a good look at MYSELF and decided not to be a disaster anymore and once I made these wonderful decisions everything changed. Firstly, I met a new man and after eight months he is still refreshing my days – I may not have gone for this man before because I didn’t make good decisions in the past. I made very bad decisions and I wouldn’t go for anyone unless it was clear that they would expect nothing from me, of course this meant that I could expect nothing from them, an unhappy set of circumstances. I got a new job from which I have gone from strength to strength within and feel positive about a future living alongside. I’ve cut down on alcohol to a huge extent and lost plenty of weight over a couple of months and anticipate to lose more of it in the months to come.

 In short, I wasn’t incapable of making changes as I had previously thought and as soon as I made the changes the control was handed back to me and happy outcomes were mine once more. Not everything in life can be solved by making changes, this I fully accept. However, many things can be solved by a change of mind set so if anything about my words rings true with you then I urge you to make the changes and ride the waves that come with them. Experience has taught me that making changes is the act of pressing lemons and the result is the sweetened, liquid gold that looks and tastes just like bubbly, refreshing lemonade.