It has been 1 year 10 months and 15 days since I said goodbye to a man I
was head over heels mad about. I said goodbye because of damage limitation to
my already bruised self but sadly the damage was already done and reversing it
has at times been as painful as how it got there in the first place.
I don't want you to think that I have spent the previous year, 10 months and 15 days listening to Adele and feeling sorry for myself because it couldn't be further from the truth. I've a ball for a good part of it but it hasn't been an easy ride.
I think the truth is that for quite a long time I didn't want to lose the pain because I didn't want to lose my connection to him. I needed to be upset because if I wasn't then what had it all been for? Eventually as time went on and I moved from country to country, lost weight and gained a new perspective things began to ease but every now and again and usually during the most unexpected of moments I will remember something and the memory will wake up a Pandora's box that can be difficult to close. It's far easier to close it these days than it was a year ago but and that is a blessed relief. While the box is open, I will dream of him, find a photograph I had forgotten or hear a song I haven't heard in a long time and then the inevitable remembering begins. I don't enjoy this remembering because this man is long gone and you must believe me when I say that he is never coming back into my life so there can be no resolution. There is no end to the wondering, the what might have been scenarios, the soul searching or the what was it all for conversations I used to have with myself all of the time.
I have come to accept that when you have cared for someone, truly cared for someone; no matter how bad for you they were, their presence in your life is guaranteed to leave its mark on you. There's nothing you can do about it, you will remember and sometimes it will hurt but there is a special secret to affairs of the heart, a method I have learned and will try to explain as best I can over the months to come. It's simple really, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.
I don't want you to think that I have spent the previous year, 10 months and 15 days listening to Adele and feeling sorry for myself because it couldn't be further from the truth. I've a ball for a good part of it but it hasn't been an easy ride.
I think the truth is that for quite a long time I didn't want to lose the pain because I didn't want to lose my connection to him. I needed to be upset because if I wasn't then what had it all been for? Eventually as time went on and I moved from country to country, lost weight and gained a new perspective things began to ease but every now and again and usually during the most unexpected of moments I will remember something and the memory will wake up a Pandora's box that can be difficult to close. It's far easier to close it these days than it was a year ago but and that is a blessed relief. While the box is open, I will dream of him, find a photograph I had forgotten or hear a song I haven't heard in a long time and then the inevitable remembering begins. I don't enjoy this remembering because this man is long gone and you must believe me when I say that he is never coming back into my life so there can be no resolution. There is no end to the wondering, the what might have been scenarios, the soul searching or the what was it all for conversations I used to have with myself all of the time.
I have come to accept that when you have cared for someone, truly cared for someone; no matter how bad for you they were, their presence in your life is guaranteed to leave its mark on you. There's nothing you can do about it, you will remember and sometimes it will hurt but there is a special secret to affairs of the heart, a method I have learned and will try to explain as best I can over the months to come. It's simple really, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.
No comments:
Post a Comment