Living with depression
is often an unbearable activity on a bad day. The person who lives with depression
must devise a list of coping mechanisms and this list must be abided by because
if it is not abided by then the chances of things becoming unpleasant are high.
My list includes exercise, healthy food and a job I can engross
myself in. Under no circumstances am I allowed to go anywhere near a man, this is
an important one. I can't be put in a position where I am vulnerable and this
is something I've spent the last year or so coming to terms with.
The day I realised that
I am too damaged to be anyone's girlfriend was a sad one for me. The reason for
this reluctance is down to the equilibrium I hold so dear to my heart. I was unable
to see a light for a long time, normal life was too hard for me to contemplate
and I had to begin all over again emotionally. I learned to enjoy the simple things
first and opted to enjoy making tea, watching TV and going for the bus. Time moved
on and I started to enjoy seeing friends and cooking. I was feeling brilliant until
NYE 2010 and I took my eye away from the light which was getting brighter by
the day. It was an epic mistake because when I looked back again the light had gone
out and it months and months to get my eyes strong enough to be able to look at
it. Since I became able to see the light again, keeping my eyes focussed on it
has become my priority and the sheer fear about what might happen if I let anything
stand between me and the light is too great a caution for me to consider anything
else.
I very much hope that
this particular anxiety will ease one day and I will be able to walk slowly into
the arms of someone who might be able to give me the space I need to think straight
and the interest in getting to know someone with more issues than The Independent.
Life can be both beautiful and sad at the same time and for those of us who live
each day in 2 different frames of mind this is often true at Christmas time.
Christmas is my favourite
season of the year. I love the lights, the events, the decorations and general
merriment. However, Christmas is also a time when we remember what we were doing
the year before and this can be sobering. I have come a long way in the year just
passed. New job, new friends and a healthier lifestyle have all had a positive impact
on me but the depression lingers on, reminding me of times gone by and never
letting me forget that should Mr Right come along I am likely to find it impossible
to accept that he is Mr Right and probably wouldn't let him rescue me even if he
wanted to.
I have become far too
self sufficient for my own good, I fell off the horse almost 2 years ago and now
I won't get back on. I don't feel negative, I feel as though I have achieved a
lot in a short space of time and like I should be proud of it. I hope to be able
to one day have emotions as strong as my belief in my own capabilities as far
as work and health go. At the time of writing I am still a little bruised and the
depression and anxiety I have always felt doesn't help. In basic terms I am unwilling
to leave my comfort zone. It isn't easy to write this and the thought of posting
it is daunting but if it reaches someone else in some far flung corner of the
world then I'd like you to know that you're not the only one who's frightened of
ending up right back where you started when you took your hand away from theirs,
put it in your pocket and walked away . People like us have had our hearts taken
away and put into storage while we wait to feel strong enough to make them beat
again on our own; we won't stay on bypass forever but we can't run before we
walk either. We need to give ourselves time, be patient and keep on enjoying making
tea and walking for the bus until our heart's beat independently again.
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