In all of my 27 Christmases I have only ever spent one of them away from home. I was in
Since I was quite young we've always had
someone extra at the dinner table, for some years we had my mum's brother with
us but he sadly succumbed to his own demons some years ago and left his chair in our dining room. The most long term of our Christmas Day visitors was Eileen Kelly
and my oh my did she let us know she was there. The TV was too loud, the
heating was too low, the dinner was too big, the tea had to be clear enough to
see the bottom of the dainty mug but strong enough to have the flavour just so
and she could have you up and out of your seat in a nanosecond over just about
anything. Eileen Kelly was a prolific houseguest, she didn't sit quietly and
she always made her feelings known… but her absence this Christmas is already
felt and missed and shows that as people we have to be able to adapt to change
because nothing is more certain than death and nothing is more secure than the
knowledge that Eileen Kelly will not be at a delightful temperature whilst the rest of us
might as well be in the oven with the lamb roast this December 25th.
Last Christmas was the last one I'll ever know like the ones I always
knew before and I didn't realise it at the time; probably for the best. This
Christmas marks a Christmas of change too but I know about that already. My
Little Lucy, light of my life and other entity of myself is set to marry in
February so naturally Christmases afterwards are going to be different. We
don’t know how she will go about her Christmases future. Perhaps Lucy and new
husband Jake will join us one year and then go to visit Jake's delightfully
quirky mother the year after and if that's what they do then I've already decided
to join them on Christmas Night. Jake's mother has a 'treats' cupboard and a
personality like no one else I've ever met and I'm feeling quite excited about
counting her in as one of the family. Christmases future will be different and
this will be the last one that Angela and Gerry are mum and dad with dutiful
daughters Helen and Lucy making up the numbers. We are 4 you see, soon to be 5
and I very much hope 6 when a niece or a nephew comes along. Those Christmases
will be entirely different because they will centre around lots of bright
yellow and blue toys and a small face that believes in Father Christmas.
Christmas usually marks the end of a year and NYE the start of a new. We
get the chance to reflect on what's happened to us and to the people around us
and wonder how we can better improve on it in the year to come. We do all of this
wondering surrounded twinkling lights and amongst joy galore, under the watchful gaze of
a pretty fairy that was bought at a carboot sale 20 odd years ago for 50pence. Her hair is raggedy and her wings are stuck on the back with sellotape now. We
change, our lives change but that Christmas fairy sits on the top of the tree
year after year, who knows what she's thinking, she might be wondering if
she'll ever be invited out for Easter but we're always happy to see her. I've
had some quite intense change this year with the loss of Aunty Eileen and the
way I've been trying to rewire my brain so that I can experience life without
anxiety, stress and then eventual depression. 2014 has been a lovely old year
in the most part. I've lost someone very special to me but I've gained also. As
I've learned, things change, sometimes for the best, sometimes for the worst
but change can always be counted upon and I plan to spend the next couple of
months working very hard on the inner mechanics of my brain so that I am able
to accept, deal with and understand change when it comes my way. I don't want
to live my life as though I am a bucket of water with no current or flow and I
doubt many others want to live that way either. I know that I want to spend
some time dedicated to my own mental health and eventually help the mental
health of others to become stronger. I know I want to go back to university and
I know I want to wake up able to face the day in front of me with the excited
and optimistic attitude it deserves. I know that I want to be more organised
and a little bit more proactive. I know I want to shift some weight and I want
to go to the gym. I know I want to get up earlier and I know I can do all of
these things but it will take me some time to get used to them being part of my
daily routine. I already have my NY resolutions ready and waiting to go once
2015 kicks in on January 1st but maybe I should start on some of them a little
early?
I was recently told that I've eaten so many
eggs that I've built myself an egg shell by a delightfully astute individual and I thought that he was very accurate
on both counts. I have indeed been living in the fragile shelter of my own fear
for quite a long time. I've improved on some things and not so much on others
but gradually I'd really like to break free of all of the things that have been
holding me back so I'm starting with stopping feeling sorry for myself. Someone
has been and gone and he left a wealth of destruction in his wake but gone he
is and coming back to repeat his performance he is not. He didn’t mean to cause
such harm either, he's actually very pleasant in personality with a generous
nature, a kind spirit and I've been demonising him for far too long. 2015
starts with a blank slate, a mind in recovery, a life to live cautiously and
in measured amounts but it must be lived all the same. Everything always feels
like a really big deal so I won't be climbing mountains but I'll be stopping
for coffee, consuming frozen yoghurt, going for walks and allowing myself to
enjoy what's left of 2014 before the year changes and I have to start getting
up early.
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