Starting again is
something everyone likes to do sometimes. I know I like a fresh start every now
and again. A fresh start can be a change of e-mail address, a new phone number,
a house move or emigration. Sometimes a new start is the end of a relationship
or the beginning of a new one or perhaps a new job. Fresh starts are the chance
to clear the slate and start anew. I like to think of them as giving ourselves
a second chance to correct past mistakes and improve on our futures.
Four years ago I ended
a relationship with a steady and dependable man in favour of a less steady and
dependable life. I didn’t like the way my life was going and I didn’t think
that the relationship suited me very well, so off I wandered into pastures new.
I really didn’t have the first idea about what was to befall me in these new
pastures. I have endured 4 years of tumultuous emotions which only seem to have
truly settled in recent weeks. I developed coping mechanisms borne out of negative
happenings and as a result the years which followed my break up have not gone
according to plan, looking back I don’t really know how I managed to have any sort
of life at all. I have gotten far too used to anticipating the worst in myself,
others and situations. I have spent the best part of 4 years devoid of hope and
optimism, haunted by the ghosts of the past and unable to see the lights illuminating
the paths of the present.
Everything reached a sudden and dramatic halt
on December 30th when I found myself feeling like I couldn’t take another
minute. I made the decision to go to the hospital and visit the mental health crisis
team; I firmly believe that this service saved my life. Had I not had them to go
to I really don’t know what would have happened. I appreciate that this is a strong
statement and may alarm some people who care for me but I urge you not to be upset.
I fully acknowledge that it is hard to stomach and causes upset but if people with
my problems don’t come forward and talk about them then you can guarantee that someone,
somewhere else will pay for our silence and I can’t have that so I have decided
to be vocal about my depression and the impact it has had on me.
So there I was; feeling like I was going slightly
mad in floods of tears in a busy NHS waiting room the night before New Year’s Eve
2013. I was prescribed some medication which I take every day and I have also
been completing an online Cognitive Behavioural Therapy course (CBT). This new fangled
CBT has been making more of a difference to my thought patterns than I ever believed
possible and its results are visible to everyone. I seem to have broken out of
my negative cycle and I am now able to talk to others rather than shy away, I like
being in social situations rather than sitting there praying for them to be over
and the anxiety which plagued me has begun to ebb away into a state of nothingness
leaving a rainbow glowing in colour in its wake. I didn’t believe a state of mind
like this was a long term possibility for me and it is a bigger relief than anyone
could ever imagine. I’ve discovered support in people new to my life and support
in those who are long term fixtures but live far away. I’ve found support in
myself and a belief that I can sustain my new frame of mind for an extended period
of time beyond the foreseeable future. It’s just a bloody miracle and I’m grateful
for it every day.
I’ve got good people
around me and a good life ahead of me. I’m learning to live in the moment and
worry less about the past and the future. It is now apparent to me that the past
has been and gone and the effect it had and was echoed through my thinking has
lost its power and control over the present day me. In the simplest of terms… I
have cleared the slate and moved on, both mentally and physically. The demons of
the past have moved aside and let the magical entities of the present and the future
guide the way forward through the miracle of life.
No comments:
Post a Comment