Femme Fatale

 The date is December 24th 2014 and it is undoubtedly Christmas Week. I've been thinking about the ladies in my life today because it is my mum's birthday, sister's hen night in three days time, annual Christmas Eve drinks with two cousins and a sister and also the first time we're experiencing Christmas without our Aunty Eileen and for another branch of our family a lady called Grandma Mattie. My aunties, neighbours and my mum's friends traditionally come in for a mince pie and a cup of tea today so it really is all about the señoritas.

   I've been blessed with the women around me. I was brought up with a sister and my mum has 3 sisters of her own, my nana had several sisters and one of them is now but an urn behind the chair in our dining room now but until March she was a larger than life teeny tiny little old lady who helped to make several of my dreams come true. I also have several cousins, one of the youngest who is now experiencing her first Christmas as an eighteen year old and is joining her older female counterparts for the usual dance around the Christmas tee, aka Stamps Bar & Bistro this evening.

   I will begin with the subject of mothers. My mother is as quirky as she is strong, batty as she is generous and hot tempered as she is sweet natured. My mother, or Ange as I usually call her has behaved like a lioness for the last 27.9 years, she protects her girls with a fierceness only mother's possess and woe betide anyone who tries to stand in her way. Over the years Ange has fought for my dyslexic sister's right to learn in a suitable environment, fought with my sister over her refusal to learn, stood by me through thick and thin (literally, currently thick but I'm working on it …ish) and supported me through all of my little adventures. She had a great example you see, through several different women she watched as she grew and I like to think she took the best of what she witnessed.

   I also have a sister who is to be married on Valentines Day to a delightfully handsome and calm young man. So calm he's falling over on occasion, I was expecting him at 10am to drop off some items to the family home, he whatsapped me at 11:45am saying that he was "running a bit late." We've taken to calling this sort of thing Classic Jake. One hopes that he doesn't experience the same tardiness on his matrimonial day. I digress. We're going to celebrate her hen night in a few days time, 27 women all intent on having a party are going to hit Liverpool City Centre and swap stories all about my little sister. I already know that I will beam with pride because my one and only sibling is truly a woman to be proud of. Lucy is a very small person with long dark hair, she's got a tiny frame and a husky voice, it was one of the things people thought was cutest about her as a child. Lucy was mischievous as a little one, known to disappear into lingerie stands in Marks & Spencer's and reappear wearing the garments after our mother had spent a frantic few minutes looking for her amongst the clothes stands. Lucy grew older, not taller or wider but a little more orange for a time and became a naughty teenager, struggling in the classroom to understand the tasks expected of her and frustrated by the slowness of her progress in the middle of a school unable to assist her. She found some solace in the school toilets with cigarettes and every now and again she would skip off only to be caught. My Lucy was a very unsuccessful truant, she was caught by me, our dad and one of our nanas during her escapades away from school. Lucy then grew up a little more and became something akin to responsible over time, now she's an example of someone who's turned out just right after being given time and space to grow into who she really is. Who she really is, is my sister, the same person she always was but now a little more socially acceptable. She's going to become a wife, a daughter and sister-in-law. She'll do a great job, those who have to fight for their place in society often become excellent examples and our little Lucy is an excellent example of what can be done when you work so very hard to realise your aims and goals.

   I have grandmothers, aunties and cousins all of whom have played their part in my journey from 1987 to now. I have been loved, worried about, played with, talked to, discussed and most importantly included in their lives as they go about their own daily chores. They've shown me compassion and given me attention, they've taken me on holiday and out for the day, they've had me as a house guest in London for the weekend with no notice whatsoever, they've included me in their families and said nice things about me to my mum. They've accepted me for who I am and understand that I am anxious, I am panicked, I get depressed and sometimes go missing inside of myself but they are able to look past it and see what lies beneath the frazzled and yet very quiet veneer. They've made me feel cherished for all of my life.

   And finally, this Christmas as I've already said is the first without Aunty Eileen. Eileen won't be in her orangey red armchair this year looking out at the world she could no longer be a part of and she won’t be waiting for me to come and make some kind of warm sandwich for Christmas Day breakfast. She'll be with all of the other people who've been loved and lost this year all over the world. I hope she's up in the sky and twirling about with the man she is having her first Christmas with in 16 years. We talk about her a lot, I think about her all the time, I talk to her when I'm walking about attending to my business in the streets of Seville and I know she's always keeping an eye out and probably wishing she'd been able to visit me there in person. I'm glad she can see it all for herself now.

 
  Christmas always makes us think and this year it's making me think about the women I'm surrounded by. Some are in the here and now and some make up the fabric of the memories I have of the past. Each one is a beautiful stitch in an ever growing work of life and another branch on a family tree that just keeps on growing and growing, always in bloom, never bare and permanently giving hope to those who take shade and stop for a rest under its branches.

 

These blogs act as a sort of writing therapy to me, they help me offload the things which play on my mind. I try to make them useful for myself and also enjoyable reading for others so I would like to  thank you for  taking the time to read my entries and I wish you all a truly happy and 'especial' Christmas Week.

 

The Whirlwind Romance

  I don’t know if any of you have ever experienced a whirlwind romance or had times when you were living in the moment. I have. Around 7 weeks ago I started having a little go at living in the moment and I discovered that it didn't really suit me. Living in the moment is all well and good when you don't find functioning hard work. 7 weeks ago I was equilibriumised and my feelings centred around Emmerdale and Heinz baked beans at the end of a long day… until I found myself in the middle of a whirlwind romance.

  I'm not altogether sure how I, careful as they come, avoiding pavement cracks, would never walk underneath a ladder Helen Edwards came to be in a whirlwind romance. Whirlwind romances go against everything I have taught myself is sensible. The whirlwind romance is quick, it is convincing and then it is over. By the time it is over it has left your hair tangled up and you've quite forgotten that Emmerdale was once so fabulous because you rediscovered butterflies in your stomach and hours spent laughing over absolutely nothing in the company of someone who looks just like sunsine. The whirlwind romance reminds you that there are actual human connections for you out there and Heinz baked beans don't necessarily have to be the best part of a day.

   The best part of your day can be a hug or a smile. It can be breakfast on a sunny morning and you don't even mind staying in on a Saturday night because the company inside is so comfortable and cosy. You have this happy feeling in your chest when you're with your friends, you just feel lighter and you don't have to carry all of your own bags anymore. The whirlwind romance is a special thing because it takes two people who click instantaneously to take part and they can create something truly delightful very quickly. It's like a very sweet film has come on and somehow it's your life, you've got the leading lady part and the soundtrack is wonderful. Whirlwind romances generally have a difficulty of some description though and in the film version the writers know how to fix it but in real life the actors don't have a script to rely on and they can't be sure of what the other person they're starring alongside is thinking. Life isn't a film and humans are riddled with insecurities, upsets and histories that the people in The Holiday or Love Actually aren't in possession of.

  Humans get things wrong when they're trying to get things right. Humans have self preservation to think about and humans who've been hurt very badly are a lot more likely to get these things wrong so we back away from our whirlwind romances. We remember when we just had ourselves to think about and we make the decision to end the romance, lovely as it is because we miss the simpler version of our lives. And then we regret it and realise that we didn't help ourselves at all because we were just biding time with Emmerdale and Heinz baked beans until the really good stuff showed its beautiful face. Emmerdale and Heinz all together along with Coronation Street, Spanish lessons on the couch and long car journeys on Sundays.

  The writers of the film version have the solution but the humans bumble along and eventually one of them gets on a plane and feels a finality that makes a tear slide down her little face as she gets closer to all of the other people who mean the world to her. They're great and she loves them but she will always remember the time in her life when Emmerdale, Heinz Baked Beans and Coronation Street were all happening at the same time in her pretty living room and she'll wonder if she'd not caved in when she did that everything just might have turned out differently if she'd just stayed in the whirlwind.

Changing

  In all of my 27 Christmases I have only ever spent one of them away from home. I was in Australia and it was very hot. Some of Christmas Eve was spent outside in the garden and some of it was spent indoors having a nice roast dinner, the people I was with made a huge effort to welcome me but despite their best efforts I wasn't at home, it just wasn't cold enough and my people of the previous 18 Christmases weren't there. My Christmas traditions are steadfast and strong, they have weathered years of change, loveliness and upheaval. My favourite one is the one in which my dad stresses about the roast dinner for a week before we have it and tries to start cooking it 3 days before Christmas Day and then when it's served at the table my mum whips all of the plates away and puts them in the microwave for 60 seconds apiece. 

  Since I was quite young we've always had someone extra at the dinner table, for some years we had my mum's brother with us but he sadly succumbed to his own demons some years ago and left his chair in our dining room. The most long term of our Christmas Day visitors was Eileen Kelly and my oh my did she let us know she was there. The TV was too loud, the heating was too low, the dinner was too big, the tea had to be clear enough to see the bottom of the dainty mug but strong enough to have the flavour just so and she could have you up and out of your seat in a nanosecond over just about anything. Eileen Kelly was a prolific houseguest, she didn't sit quietly and she always made her feelings known… but her absence this Christmas is already felt and missed and shows that as people we have to be able to adapt to change because nothing is more certain than death and nothing is more secure than the knowledge that Eileen Kelly will not be at a delightful temperature whilst the rest of us might as well be in the oven with the lamb roast this December 25th. 

   Last Christmas was the last one I'll ever know like the ones I always knew before and I didn't realise it at the time; probably for the best. This Christmas marks a Christmas of change too but I know about that already. My Little Lucy, light of my life and other entity of myself is set to marry in February so naturally Christmases afterwards are going to be different. We don’t know how she will go about her Christmases future. Perhaps Lucy and new husband Jake will join us one year and then go to visit Jake's delightfully quirky mother the year after and if that's what they do then I've already decided to join them on Christmas Night. Jake's mother has a 'treats' cupboard and a personality like no one else I've ever met and I'm feeling quite excited about counting her in as one of the family. Christmases future will be different and this will be the last one that Angela and Gerry are mum and dad with dutiful daughters Helen and Lucy making up the numbers. We are 4 you see, soon to be 5 and I very much hope 6 when a niece or a nephew comes along. Those Christmases will be entirely different because they will centre around lots of bright yellow and blue toys and a small face that believes in Father Christmas.

  Christmas usually marks the end of a year and NYE the start of a new. We get the chance to reflect on what's happened to us and to the people around us and wonder how we can better improve on it in the year to come. We do all of this wondering surrounded twinkling lights and amongst joy galore, under the watchful gaze of a pretty fairy that was bought at a carboot sale 20 odd years ago for 50pence. Her hair is raggedy and her wings are stuck on the back with sellotape now. We change, our lives change but that Christmas fairy sits on the top of the tree year after year, who knows what she's thinking, she might be wondering if she'll ever be invited out for Easter but we're always happy to see her. I've had some quite intense change this year with the loss of Aunty Eileen and the way I've been trying to rewire my brain so that I can experience life without anxiety, stress and then eventual depression. 2014 has been a lovely old year in the most part. I've lost someone very special to me but I've gained also. As I've learned, things change, sometimes for the best, sometimes for the worst but change can always be counted upon and I plan to spend the next couple of months working very hard on the inner mechanics of my brain so that I am able to accept, deal with and understand change when it comes my way. I don't want to live my life as though I am a bucket of water with no current or flow and I doubt many others want to live that way either. I know that I want to spend some time dedicated to my own mental health and eventually help the mental health of others to become stronger. I know I want to go back to university and I know I want to wake up able to face the day in front of me with the excited and optimistic attitude it deserves. I know that I want to be more organised and a little bit more proactive. I know I want to shift some weight and I want to go to the gym. I know I want to get up earlier and I know I can do all of these things but it will take me some time to get used to them being part of my daily routine. I already have my NY resolutions ready and waiting to go once 2015 kicks in on January 1st but maybe I should start on some of them a little early?

 I was recently told that I've eaten so many eggs that I've built myself an egg shell by a delightfully astute individual and I thought that he was very accurate on both counts. I have indeed been living in the fragile shelter of my own fear for quite a long time. I've improved on some things and not so much on others but gradually I'd really like to break free of all of the things that have been holding me back so I'm starting with stopping feeling sorry for myself. Someone has been and gone and he left a wealth of destruction in his wake but gone he is and coming back to repeat his performance he is not. He didn’t mean to cause such harm either, he's actually very pleasant in personality with a generous nature, a kind spirit and I've been demonising him for far too long. 2015 starts with a blank slate, a mind in recovery, a life to live cautiously and in measured amounts but it must be lived all the same. Everything always feels like a really big deal so I won't be climbing mountains but I'll be stopping for coffee, consuming frozen yoghurt, going for walks and allowing myself to enjoy what's left of 2014 before the year changes and I have to start getting up early.

Not Being A Hermit

As a depressed person… nah not this time. Change of subject?

Okay then, I agree with you.

   This evening I am going to talk about cohabitation. I am cohabiting at the moment and I'm finding it anthropologically fascinating. I am a British English teacher who lives in Seville and being totally honest with you I haven't done anywhere near as much Spanish language learning as I should or could have done. I currently live with a nice young lady, she's Chinese and she doesn't speak English so we've had some interesting moments together when discussing bin bags and washing up liquid. I've lived with the Irish, some British girls, some British boys whilst at university, I've room shared with a Belgian girl when I was working at a summer camp and of course spent most of my communal living with my long suffering mother, father and sister. They've had a grand old time of it with me and my boiled, fried, poached, scrambled and omeletted eggs. My dad actually counts the amount of eggs that are in the house when I arrive home and then averages them out day by day to see how many I have been eating. I similarly find his fascination with bacon equally amusing. "Where is the bacon? I never get to have any bacon.. you girls are always eating the bacon." He never gets any because he forgets it's there until he see's the empty packet in the bin and realises he hasn't had any of the bacon that was once in the packet. My sister has some interesting habits as well, she runs around her bedroom with no clothes on shouting, "I'm nakeeeeeddddd, don't come in!" She says it all in her very best Scouse. My mother is a different kettle of fish altogether, now she really is a conundrum. Ange, (as I like to call her) broke her ankle once and didn’t like the plaster cast much. Ange's method of dealing with it? Well, just remove the plaster cast with a kitchen knife of course. She took on the personality of a lunatic for a little while as she hacked and sawed away at the large lump of plaster surrounding her leg. My dear old dad wasn't best pleased when he came in from work and had to bundle her into the car back to the hospital ready to be casted up again. He was a lot less pleased when she did it again a few days later, this time telling my sister and I not to tell our father she had removed the plaster cast. I remember wondering how she thought he was going to notice all by himself at the time. We've also had some pets. Now, the best one was definitely Charlie. Charlie was the king of felines but sadly joined our other animals in the cat graveyard my dad has been fashioning for a couple of years last May. We miss Charlie, he made us laugh and he was as bizarre as the rest of us. He was a cat who thought he was a cat/rabbit/dog. He'd play fetch with you, try to catch birds in the TV, play with your heels as you walked past him, jump across the garden and chase butterflies. Charlie was a great one to cohabit with, never a dull moment on his watch.  

 

  One of the young ladies I cohabited with at university was a little on the odd side. I'd moved into the house a few months early because I was 'of' the city of Liverpool and feeling desperate to have complete control of the huevos in the kitchen so by the time she arrived I'd made myself a little bit at home. By at home I mean that kitchen things were in the kitchen and a mirror was in the living room. I went to work the first Saturday that she was living with us and came home to find that she had gone quite ballistic and rearranged the entire house having ranted and raved at the much quieter girl we were living with that I had 'taken over' the house. I was a little surprised but I let it lie. I didn’t have the house meeting she wanted though and after going hysterical about 4 rolls of toilet paper not being enough for her general consumption she left our little house and things became altogether calmer. Another housemate went off in a hissy fit because my boyfriend came round whilst she had guests, I was under the impression that if one student is in her bedroom watching a film with her boyfriend then another student should feel more than comfortable to have her friends over and all be in the same house together. I was wrong. I know of people who've had strange dealings with biscuits, the TV and other generally odd things when it comes to housemates.

  I have to ask myself though… what do my ex housemates have to say about me? I think that everything I do is perfectly normal but I bet they don't. I always like to keep pre washed dishes in the sink for example but the people I live with often prefer to keep them by the side of the sink. This simple act baffles me and I find myself thinking… but why don't you put the dishes in the sink? There isn't much room beside the sink you see, so I can't understand why the dishes aren't in it and comfortably out of both sight and mind. I always have a TV with me wherever I go as well. I might be putting on a wash or making the breakfast. You can guarantee that you'll hear the dulcet tones of Phoebe, Joey, Rachel, Monica, Chandler and Ross wherever and whenever I happen to be in the local proximity. They may also find the amount at which I like to sleep a little extreme, I love a good sleep. I've had housemates feel the need to check on me in the past and make sure I'm alright. They were up and out with the lark type people and I was more up with Loose Women and then back to bed after my 12pm breakfast at the time. I was a waster and they were seizers and we all lived together under the one roof.

  As I go through life I often wonder how I am perceived. If I think everyone else is wholeheartedly weird then surely they must think I am also a little strange? Or maybe I'm just really critical and should focus more on my inner wellbeing than the eccentricities of others. Either way, whichever way you throw the dice and whatever number it lands on you can't get away from other people unless you want to become a hermit can you? I don't want to be a hermit so I shall accept that my new housemate likes to turn the kitchen into a swimming pool every time she cooks and literally drenches every tea towel at least once a day because she's very nice and she made me churros earlier on.

 

Other people… can’t live with them and can't live without them so I'll just embrace and accept as I find and hope that they're feeling willing to do the same.

We See The Light Surrounding You

  I have had depression for the majority of my formative years and it has been a constant visitor over the last four and a half. Four and a half years ago I would never have dreamed of standing up and saying 'my name is Helen Edwards and I have depression, anxiety disorders, OCD and SAD.' I'll send everyone running for the hills I would have thought. I sometimes think of myself as a Pic'n'Mix stand for those looking for a mental health issue. You want it... I've got it. Sometimes I'm out of stock but the delivery man generally comes around again and I'll have whatever you need in store at some point, you just have to choose the right moment.

 I make light of it but it's not easy is this business of living with a faulty head. Sometimes it feels like such an uphill struggle that I just don't get up, don't go out and don't communicate, but, and there is always a but... It's really not the way to deal with it. These 'coping behaviours' are actually very destructive and they cause more harm than they cause good. I've done them myself and I've seen them in lots of people I know you see, so I do know what I'm talking about. I also know how hard it is to break them and go down the healthy road, so very difficult when my bed is such a warm and comforting place to be and there are monsters everywhere else.

  I had myself a little breakdown last Christmas. It wasn't my first and it may not be my last but I sure do remember how it felt. Awful. Absolutely... Awful. It was soul destroying, mind crunchingly awful and if it was an ankle that had fallen out of a tree and got broken then you'd expect a lengthy recovery period. No one would say, 'ahhh slap a smile on that ankle.' There would be no slapping of ankles and there will be no slapping of minds thank you very much. It doesn't work like that, matters of the head do not manage to realign themselves with a plaster cast and some heavy pain killers. 

  Now depression isn't all bad because as a depressed person... (there I go again with the 'd' word) I have been rather fortunate because I have done something magical and turned into a magnet. I seem to be programmed to gravitate towards those with other mental  health difficulties so it's given me quite an interesting perspective; I am both the depressed person inside of the window and also the devastated person looking in and wondering how on earth I can pull this lovely individual outside back into the world again. I have friends with all sorts of problems. We range from anxious to insomniac to bi polar to clinically depressed and we all share our stories sometimes. The one commonality is that none of us realize how fabulous we are when these moods take over us, yet everyone else is quite perplexed. 'But she's just so beautiful. Why can't she see it?' Or 'he's an exceptional young man and he has no idea.' We really don't have any idea about any of the good stuff when depression takes hold because all we can see are the negatives around us. It's like living in a beautiful palace and only being able to see the mark on the window. Try as you might, you just can't see anything else. 

  I know that many people I think the world of can only see this mark. They're oblivious to everything else and it's not their fault but they're some of the most intelligent, funny, feeling, beautiful people I've had the delight to find. This world we occupy is a bloody hard place to live in sometimes but I've decided to carry the flag and wave it around as high as my 5ft2 self can wave it for Mental Health. I'm not ashamed, I'm not proud, I'm not standing in a rainbow declaring it to be the best way of life, I'm just moving along and hoping that I'm not making a total hash of absolutely everything. So here goes... My name is Helen Edwards and I am genetically predisposed to depression, anxiety, SAD and OCD... But I also have fabulous long, blonde hair and I'm quite funny when I want to be. Now then, how about you?

Frozen

  I, like many people in the modern world have become quite taken with the animated motion picture Frozen. I like watching Frozen, I like the prettiness of it and I like the simpleness of it. When I watch Frozen I tend to feel a shared understanding with the main character Elsa.

  Elsa grows up in a traditional family with a mother, father and sister. I did this too, nothing all that unusual about it. I grew up a little bit troubled, there was always something there waiting to really pick its moment and strike whereas my sister had an altogether sunnier disposition. I would shut myself away with books and become determined to be as isolated as possible when my sister wanted to go out and play outside. She was mischievous and fun, I was serious and pensive. We're still like that to a certain extent, she is still mischievous and fun and I am still serious and pensive. Those are our roles and that's just how it is.

  My sister decided to get married and so that's exactly what she's doing. I may meet a man and decide I like him and my natural reaction is to get as far away as I can. Lucy gets married, Helen runs off. I've driven my parents mad with this sort of behaviour, stop running Helen they'll say to me, just stand still and enjoy the flowers. I do a lot of flowers watching, smelling and enjoying. Eventually I start to feel like something is missing and something may come to fill up the gap but the something never stays for very long and I find myself a bit like Elsa stuck up there in her icy tower willing myself not to feel anything and just praying for it all to be over and for the next happy flowers moment to come along. I'm always alone and calm during the flowers moments, it's only ever me and I seem to manage really well like that. I'll think of the people I've known and wish them well, I'll wonder what might happen if I ever see them again and smile. Maybe we'll get a coffee and then he'll wander off to his happy and stable wife and I'll wander off to my happy and stable cat. As long as I'm a size 10 I don’t really mind, being a size 10 makes all of the difference.

  My sister has found herself wandering up icy mountains to try and fetch me down in the past. "Come on Helen, you can come down. I'm here now." She's rescued me before has my sister. She's fought off the bad guys, shouted down the ex boyfriends in train stations and appeared like Florence Nightingale in the hospital during my most recent 'moment.' I wake up grateful for my sister. I also wake up looking at her because I have a nice little picture collage thing by my bed so she's always there. I know she wants me to be happy and stable like she is. I know she wants me to have a healthy frame of mind like she has and I know that she feels like the other half of her has arrived back when I come home again which is how I feel too.

  Lucy being my other half was just fine until I started to grow up a bit this last year. I left, Lucy got engaged (to a lovely young man, you'd think he was Prince Charming if you caught him in a certain light) and everything is changing for us. I'm still being pensive, over thinking about palm trees and falling down holes and emerging with cuts and bruises all over my face. My sister is organising a very fun wedding, it's going to be great is this wedding but she can't be my other half anymore because she's in the middle of building another entity and so Pensive Helen is wondering what she should do next. My mind is mostly made up, I'd like to do a masters next year and then go after a creative writing dream but I worry that I will get depressed again and be unable to concentrate on it… and I'm back up there in my icy tower pacing backwards and forwards and worrying that I'll never live a normal life or indeed be a normal wife. If I can't do a master's without getting all anxious and stressed about it in advance, how will I be able to do anything at all? Locking yourself up inside is so much easier than going outdoors and really feeling the world around you. Why worry about what you haven't got when you make it an impossibility for yourself anyway?

I do this a lot, this over anxious, over worrying, over stressed thing and it's made me strip everything back to be as basic as possible. Cook, work, watch TV, cook, work, watch TV and do some sewing in the quiet moments. I very rarely drink alcohol, I barely date and I don't involve myself past the capacity I have set for myself. Wouldn't it be great if I did though? Wouldn't it be great if just once I wasn't left confused, baffled and mystified by the actions of another and be allowed to just slowly get used to someone, enjoy them and gradually live a more 3 dimensional life? Or maybe not, maybe it's just not the way for me and I'm safer in my icy tower accompanied by cosy blankets, ever faithful teddy bear and a fantastic collection of attractive mugs.

Oh To Be Transient - 9-5 Is Not For Me

  The world has modernised over recent years and the surge in electronic communication has meant that travel is becoming more and more common. Those wanting to write to those in Australia no longer have to wait a week for a letter to arrive because Skype means that loved ones can be video called in the space of a few seconds. You can literally have a virtual tour around someone's house in another country and give feedback right there and then. Transiency is also something which is becoming more and more a part of modern life as communication with those at home is now so much easier to maintain. Transiency is something I have come to accept as a part of my life as I know that most of the people in it are likely to vary from year to year as those who use TEFL as their jobs experience all of the different corners and cultures of the world.

  I developed a close knit group of friends last year and was reunited with them in September of this one as we all grouped together again after the summer. I remember feeling so relieved that they were all back where I could see them again, it was like being back amongst a makeshift and slightly dysfunctional family. These people have made my time here in Seville a memorable one and so it was with great delight that we were able to welcome another member back to the fold when he decided Columbia wasn't for him and decided to return to us a few weeks later; we had our final piece of the puzzle back and it was a really great feeling. We have another member of our family who comes and goes to and from Seville as her circumstances allow, it's always nice when she returns again but we accept that she can't spend all of her time here. In much the same way we also accept that we probably won't stay together forever because we will each be called off somewhere else one day in the future. Someone will choose to go home, someone will go to Japan, someone will stay in Seville, someone will go off to get married, someone will go to university, someone will start a family and someone else will do something else and eventually one day the group will disperse and there will be lots of fond memories of a couple of years spent together in an incredibly Mediterranean setting. We won't regret a thing and one day we will have a reunion in a dodgy social club somewhere up there in the north of England. It will rain, we will drink pints and we will fondly remember the times we spent together before our real lives start up again the next day. The reunion will be excellent and the hangover will be momentous.

  Acceptance of transiency is something else that I have become more and more used to as I have allowed my brain to reconnect itself back to the rest of my body over the last 11 months since the most recent collapse. I accept, understand and relish the fact that all of the people I meet are coming and going as they move about on their own game board. Some of them stay longer than others, some return and some wander off into the sunset never to be seen again, it's just the name of the game and you have to take the rough with the smooth, highs with lows and smiles with tears.

 I myself am quite transient in nature. I have always enjoyed the journey more than the destination itself. I remember as a child feeling quite disappointed when the driving adult would happily announce that the long journey was over and we could now get out of the car and partake in some funhaving. I was always a little sad because I very much enjoyed listening to music and daydreaming as I watched all of the things I saw speed past the window. I haven't changed in that sense, I still love the journey, I still feel excited by a long car or bus ride. Trains don't do it for me in the same way, I'm not sure why. I enjoy my journey to work, listening to music or reading. I like having a little think as I get ready to start my working day. What will I do today? How can I spice up the present perfect? Is there any conceivable way for me to put another clip from Modern Family on again without it becoming really obvious that I just love watching it? The journey is always the best part for me. It is the bit with all of the promise and the hope, anything can happen whilst you're still on the journey.

  I've decided that I want to continue being transient for the rest of my life. I want a base of course, a home somewhere with a big TV and kid's drawings on the fridge and a man in the garden messing about deadheading things. I'd like an office with a shiny computer and a nice picture on the wall for me to write my stories and plan my lessons. I'd also like a flat somewhere in Seville, somewhere in New Zealand and somewhere a little bit tropical as well so that I have the option of going elsewhere to write or think for a short while. You see, I have to keep the child inside of me alive because the little girl looking out of the window and enjoying the view is the only part of me that remains after many years of her body and her brain dis and then reconnecting. Transiency is my safe haven and the honest reason for it is because I enjoy a good wander around and a chance to smell the roses out there in the big wide world before the familiar sound of home starts to call out to me again and I realise I've been away for long enough and it's time to return to my mum, dad and sister with my arms wide open and a heart just full of love.

To Message or not to Message

People who have read many of my blog entries will know that I usually write about introspective feelings, thoughts and emotions, but today I would like to write about something altogether different. I am going to talk about messaging today as I think it is a relatively new phenomena in a world which has known human civilisation for a couple of million years and until quite recently relied solely on voices and body language to engage in the ancient art of communication.

  Before the introduction of the humble telephone in the 1870s people could only communicate when standing directly in front or in shouting distance of another person and I imagine that this was a far simpler time for everyone involved. Once upon a century or so ago when a person took a walk to the local shops for a pint of milk they simply wandered out of the door, towards the shop and then once their transaction was complete they came home again. Things have changed. Nowadays when a person wants to purchase a pint of milk they tell Facebook about what they're going to do before they do it and no doubt photograph the milk whilst it is still in the fridge so that everyone can be aware of the milk that they are buying. It is important for those on our friends list to know that we are getting enough calcium. This photographing of the milk which I'm sure you are already aware is just a metaphor for all things social networking related and is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the cataclysmic set of problems that technology has seen fit to afford us in the modern day.

   … Enter.. the smart phone. I have a smart phone and I'm very fond of my smart phone but I think that for all of the ease of communication that my smart phone affords me, I would probably be better off without it. I remember those halcyon days when phones didn’t have colour screens and a camera was something new and exotic; things were definitely simpler in those days. I didn't have a smart phone and all I used my phone for was to exchange simple messages and phone calls about functional matters and then everything changed. My phone developed and went from being regular to smart and then to highly intelligent. My phone has a mind of its own now and it makes me doubt myself, it's always there flashing on and off, telling me who's read my messages and is now ignoring me. Or perhaps this reader is just busy and has every intention of replying at a more convenient time? But why not now I ask myself? Am I not important enough? Does my message not carry enough significance to make you abandon everything you're doing so that you can engage in a conversation with me about the state of the leggings on the person I just walked past?  Whatsapp used to be great for  avoiding this pattern of self doubt. Whatsapp didn't have a 'read' function and I liked it this way. Whatsapp has a 'read' function now (strange that this happened once Facebook took over it hey?) which means that in the shake of two little blue ticks you can go from feeling comfortable and secure to weird and irritable. Everyone's been there and no one likes it so why do we do it to ourselves? Why don't we insist that we would prefer it if those we are communicating with just got back to us in their own time without the pressure of little blue ticks, 'read' receipts, last seens, 'online nows' and the plethora of other methods we use to trick ourselves into feeling insecure.

  I am aware that I am saying 'I' and 'me' a lot. I'm not speaking about me particularly but more patterns and events I have witnessed over the last couple of years as communication becomes more and more widespread and life as we know it begins to change. I remember once when I was waiting to hear back about a job and I was frustrated because I was well aware that the giver of the job could easily send an email about it from their mobile phone. Why can't they just tell me? I wondered. Well the answer is simple, it just wasn't appropriate at that time. I got the job and all was fine but those few days waiting were a nightmare. The instancy of modern life began to be somewhat difficult in those few days. Everywhere we turn these days there's a new phone mast or an internet connection appearing somewhere bizarre so that we can check our emails halfway up a tree or post a selfie from the middle of the ocean. I would like to go back to a time when telephone calls were functional and read receipts and little blue ticks were still light years away. I don't like them, I don’t need them and to be quite honest I'd like it if Mr Technology could take it all away and leave me with the simpler life I had before. So then ladies and gents, should I ditch the genius phone when this contract runs out? Perhaps I should go and live in a tent, grow vegetables in an allotment and drink my water fresh from the river. I could have an entirely more natural and self sustainable life than the one I live now which appears to run on electronic communication. I could live in nature and send smoke siganls when I really need to talk to someone and you can bet I'd never feel even the slightest need to take a photograph of myself falling alseep and show it to the world.

  In conclusion… I don't think I'm really going to go and live in the middle of nowhere, ditch my smart phone and teach myself how to build a fire from scratch but I would like more information from whoever created all of this technology on how best to use it and more importantly when to use it. Should it be functional or should it be leisurely? Should I have my phone with me all of the time or should I feel okay about leaving it at home? I guess the whole point of this little rant of mine has been to simply say that I don't know why on God's green earth a person needs to know everything about everything. Where has the mystery gone? Where is the intrigue? Why does New Zealand feel like it's next door to Spain when it is actually just over a day away? Take me back to a time when the world was mysterious, unknown and less electronic… says I, Helen who is posting this onto the interweb. Hypocritical no?

Homeward Bound

Just two weeks ago I wrote about future plans and happenings. I was having a 'where am I going?' moment. I appear to have made my mind up about what I'm doing and where I'm going now.

2.5 years ago I decided to embark on a TEFL course and get myself a teaching qualification, we all know why. The CELTA certificate which I obtained has enabled me to work in Greece, Spain, Cheltenham, Ascot and Oxford and my oh my what a journey it's been. I've met people I never dreamed I'd find... Wonderful Greek girls who changed my perception of a nation, so many English speakers who've each added a stitch to the material of my TEFL experience and those of a Latino disposition who've welcomed me to their country and helped me survive their language and create a place for myself within their culture. I've been to places from travel guides with my visitors and made a home away from home in an enchanting Southern Spanish city which I can only describe as fabulous. 

The last 2.5 years have been up, down and inspiring. They've enabled me to lay the ghosts of the past to rest and learn to embrace the present under the glowing warmth of the Mediterranean sun. I have become a teacher and been known as Miss Helen, Meez, Elen, Elena and Heleeeeen, señora, Kiria and sometimes Teacher. The English language has been opened to me and now I know just what a relative clause is as well as the meaning, form and pronunciation of the all confusing conditional sentences. In short, I have had my mind opened wide to the possibilities of the world and all thanks to the language I've been learning since I was a baby. Never have the words, 'you were always just around the corner' rung quite so true. It turns out that the answer to my prayers was in my voice box all along. 

Things often don't last forever and even the most wonderful of events and patterns have an end. TEFL as my main income has begun to reach its final destination. The train is still 6 months away but it will reach it and when it does I am going to get off and bid it the fondest farewell as I wave it on to save the next life it picks up and speeds away to better days. 

I shall be heading back to university in the country of my birth and land of ancestors. The skies above contain the memories of those I've loved and lost and I can be sure that the promise of a familial face is but a train ride away. I am going to start chasing another dream now that I'm satisfied I have made this one come true, one chapter approaches its end as another looks forward to its beginning. 

Live strong, think healthily and teach :-)

Making Sense

I have spent a considerable amount of time in my life trying to make sense of things that don’t make any sense to me. I have concluded that very little makes any sense and that’s just the way it is. In the past I have tried to find my sense from the heavens above, the ground below and the people around. I have also tried to find sense within myself but then realised that I was simply internalizing all of the unhealthy things I was inclined to feel and that in turn didn’t help either. Making sense of things can be and is a very difficult thing to do and making sense of things on our own isn’t always beneficial to us achieving the very best we can.

 I am living alone for the first time in my life and so far I’m finding it to be a cathartic experience. I am enjoying putting things in their rightful place and mooching about doing things in my own time. I am very much at a ‘what next’ place in my life. I quite honestly don’t know what to do next; I’ve told myself that I’m staying in Spain until June of 2016. (My phone contract runs out then and I’m quite simply not paying Yoigo a small fortune like I did with Vodafone before I upped sticks and moved to España.) I entertained thoughts in the summertime of returning to England after this year is out. I quite like England I thought to myself… but I quite like Spain as well and I reckon I’d also quite like Japan. I’ve often wondered about doing a PGCE and working as a teacher either secondary or primary, I’ve also considered doing a Master’s in some form of creative writing which could enable me to go after the career I’ve always wanted. I’d have to do these things in England and England is the place of breakdowns and bad weather but then on the other hand it is also the place of the forever love of my family and my beloved City of Liverpool. I can walk around Liverpool and know exactly who works in that shop and the best place to find the very best tights. I know which supermarket sells my favourite type of bread and I know that there is a welcoming aunty to be found around every corner and also in the skies above. My beach stretches along the coast of Crosby and the Sainsbury’s clock in the town centre has been broken since I was 9 years old, these are both things which are both familiar and comforting to me. My dad can be found pottering around our back garden and Specky Dave can be found spouting his adorable nonsense in Stamps Bar & Bistro. When I go home I am surrounded by people who say ‘heyyyyyy Helen! When did you get back?’ and when I get back I feel very safe and sound, like I am in the place I am supposed to be in. Bold Street, Wood Street, Lord Street, they run through my veins like I used to run through their streets as a teenager. Primark too, a place where I’m guaranteed to find familiar faces and then there’s the docks carrying their memories of times long gone and best forgotten. You can guarantee that a memory will flash up somewhere wherever I am in Liverpool and when you have a brain that has largely organised itself on how best to self protect and keep away harm this can be a little alarming. Nevertheless, it’s still home and home it will always be, despite the rain and the cold.

 My current thing that I’m trying to make sense of is making sense of where my home actually is. I’ve been listening to Blood Brothers and other Scouse accenty things lately. The voices are very soothing and they remind me of everything I have always known. They also remind me that everything I know is beginning to change and I am becoming more accustomed to somewhere else and somewhere else’s customs. But what about my own customs? What’s happened to them? Will they stay with me or will they go somewhere else? Am I am expatriate now or just a Briton living abroad? I daresay these things will become more clear as time goes on but today I can’t help but wonder. Who am I and where should I be?

Clearing The Slate

  Starting again is something everyone likes to do sometimes. I know I like a fresh start every now and again. A fresh start can be a change of e-mail address, a new phone number, a house move or emigration. Sometimes a new start is the end of a relationship or the beginning of a new one or perhaps a new job. Fresh starts are the chance to clear the slate and start anew. I like to think of them as giving ourselves a second chance to correct past mistakes and improve on our futures.

 

  Four years ago I ended a relationship with a steady and dependable man in favour of a less steady and dependable life. I didn’t like the way my life was going and I didn’t think that the relationship suited me very well, so off I wandered into pastures new. I really didn’t have the first idea about what was to befall me in these new pastures. I have endured 4 years of tumultuous emotions which only seem to have truly settled in recent weeks. I developed coping mechanisms borne out of negative happenings and as a result the years which followed my break up have not gone according to plan, looking back I don’t really know how I managed to have any sort of life at all. I have gotten far too used to anticipating the worst in myself, others and situations. I have spent the best part of 4 years devoid of hope and optimism, haunted by the ghosts of the past and unable to see the lights illuminating the paths of the present.

 

  Everything reached a sudden and dramatic halt on December 30^th when I found myself feeling like I couldn’t take another minute. I made the decision to go to the hospital and visit the mental health crisis team; I firmly believe that this service saved my life. Had I not had them to go to I really don’t know what would have happened. I appreciate that this is a strong statement and may alarm some people who care for me but I urge you not to be upset. I fully acknowledge that it is hard to stomach and causes upset but if people with my problems don’t come forward and talk about them then you can guarantee that someone, somewhere else will pay for our silence and I can’t have that so I have decided to be vocal about my depression and the impact it has had on me.

 

  So there I was; feeling like I was going slightly mad in floods of tears in a busy NHS waiting room the night before New Year’s Eve 2013. I was prescribed some medication which I take every day and I have also been completing an online Cognitive Behavioural Therapy course (CBT). This new fangled CBT has been making more of a difference to my thought patterns than I ever believed possible and its results are visible to everyone. I seem to have broken out of my negative cycle and I am now able to talk to others rather than shy away, I like being in social situations rather than sitting there praying for them to be over and the anxiety which plagued me has begun to ebb away into a state of nothingness leaving a rainbow glowing in colour in its wake. I didn’t believe a state of mind like this was a long term possibility for me and it is a bigger relief than anyone could ever imagine. I’ve discovered support in people new to my life and support in those who are long term fixtures but live far away. I’ve found support in myself and a belief that I can sustain my new frame of mind for an extended period of time beyond the foreseeable future. It’s just a bloody miracle and I’m grateful for it every day.

 

  I’ve got good people around me and a good life ahead of me. I’m learning to live in the moment and worry less about the past and the future. It is now apparent to me that the past has been and gone and the effect it had and was echoed through my thinking has lost its power and control over the present day me. In the simplest of terms… I have cleared the slate and moved on, both mentally and physically. The demons of the past have moved aside and let the magical entities of the present and the future guide the way forward through the miracle of life.

Jam buttie vs Victoria Sponge - It's the little things that count.

 I have found that in life we often spend a lot of time making time for the big things as we focus on holidays, promotions, new cars and so on and so forth whilst the little things fall aside in significance. It has come to my attention that this is not a good idea because the little things are in actual fact the bread and butter of our lives. The little things get us through whilst we wait for the big things to make their cumbersome way around the corer. The little things are the sprightly moments which make up our days and I don’t think that we pay them enough attention.

  Case in point: mugs. I don’t know about you but I drink a fair amount of tea and coffee. I like to have a couple of nice mugs so that this very regular experience is never a sub standard one. Tea or coffee drunk out of a nice mug makes this every day particular somewhat better and upgrades the level of the experience. The same can be said for meal times; why have a substandard meal when the inclusion of Dill on your eggs can improve it and make you feel like you’ve had a little treat?

  I came to this conclusion a few years ago when I was overcoming the effects of a very unpleasant depressive episode. I had been in crisis mode for a little while and I had stopped enjoying anything and was living mostly on toast and wine. It wasn’t great really and nothing had much joy in it. As the depressive episode eased away and I started to eat properly again, I developed a great amount of interest in cooking and using food to get myself back to good health. It was while I was doing this that I became aware of my enjoyment in making a cup of tea, using nice bath time products and ironing my clothes for work. While I was undertaking my on stage role in my depressive episode I had forgotten that actual living exists, I had simply been existing and doing the absolute minimum to get me through each day. I started to return to some semblance of normality and I began to enjoy myself, daily life didn’t feel like a monotonous road to nowhere anymore. I realised that I liked doing the food shopping, I liked running out for a pint of milk, I liked waiting for a bus, and I enjoyed opening the curtains in the morning and then closing them at night. This curtain ritual meant the start and end of days I was not desperate to be over, I could actually find them pleasant and this was a new feeling to me. Life was normal and for the first time in my life I was content with living a normal, every day life. I was going to university and I had my part time weekend job, for a time things were very steady and I had a nice and regular flow to my life.

  I have made it clear that I have depression and sometimes ‘episodes’ occur and it all becomes quite dramatic until it becomes intolerable and I have to do something about it. I have found that living for the little things helps to keep these episodes at bay. I spend my time looking forward to the things I know will happen and I can count on them. Big things will come along as they always do and when they come along they are lovely, but life is not a Victoria Sponge. Life is bread and butter and the little things are the jam which makes the whole thing that little bit sweeter. I think we should all aim to have lovely jam so that when the Victoria Sponge has been eaten and only the crumbs are left we still have our jam buttie to fall back on for comfort until the next big cake makes its way around the corner.